Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot
of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking
cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap
Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll
take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs
of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them
on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........"
How many Scotsmen does it
take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!
Jock was out working the field when a
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride
if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock.
Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear
seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
A Scots boy came
from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I
play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and
tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
One day Jock bought a bottle of
fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet
on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and
said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
Callum decided to call his father-in-law the
"Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced
that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the
person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a
£5 note. Sentimental value.
Jock and a Englishman were flying from
Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he
said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a
Jock finds himself in dire
trouble. His business has gone into
foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so
desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma
wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me
win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again.
"God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going
to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been
a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this
one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Jock was traveling by train
seated next to a stern-faced
clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and
said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram.
"There's no risk of you starting now!"
Jock was returning home
from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset
you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When
he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail,
falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see
whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on
his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand
upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot
drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
Jock was digging peat at
his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much
land do you
"About two acres"
"You know back home it
takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock
" I once had a car like that."
A plane was shot down over Iraq and
Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm
not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have
whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his
back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His
back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and
will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh
what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding,
his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you
like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"