Lael4.jpg (10605 bytes) topr.jpg (928 bytes)
newmid.jpg (6558 bytes)
botm.jpg (1686 bytes)

Orkneys N.Highlands  E.Highlands E.Central   Borders  W.Central  W.Highlands   Hebrides

        Home

    Attractions

      Castles

        Clans

       Cities

      Events

      Fishing

        Golf

      Hiking

  Great Scots

      History

     Humour

  Newspapers

       Sports

       Tours

   Travel Tips

      Whisky

       Email

    ScotlandVacations
        1997/ 2006
     Multimedia by
  Helmsdale Services

 

The "Thrifty" Scots

The Scots have the [unjustified] reputation of being stingy.

But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves.

Here are  few examples


Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.


Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."


Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them......"


Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear


A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."


At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing 10,000 and would give a reward of 100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give 150!"


Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for 5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be 10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"


Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"


"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."


Have you heard about the lecherous   Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.


A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter


A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a 5 note. Sentimental value.


Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.


SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.


HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.


INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.


One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while   walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"


A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".


More


Send your Scottish jokes and we will publish the best of them.

link.gif (2419 bytes)