The Scots have the [unjustified]
reputation of being stingy.
But what they do have is the ability to
laugh at themselves.
Here are few examples
Double glazing is doing great business
in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.
Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was
stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're
decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had
a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave
me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked
into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth."
To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them......"
Callum decided to call his father-in-law the
"Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
A farmer's wife, who was rather
stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she
said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said
the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced
that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the
person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
Jock was out working the field when a
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride
if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock.
Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear
seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have
my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love
dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
"I hear Maggie and yourself settled
your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we
couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
Have you heard about the lecherous
Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so
beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter
A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a
£5 note. Sentimental value.
Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car
to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way
to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your
shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
INCREASE the life of your
carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
One day Jock bought a bottle of
fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet
on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and
said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were
having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the
evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's
all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next
day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
Send your Scottish jokes and we
will publish the best of them.